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When a man has stopped contacting you, should you send him an email telling him that you have moved on?
Recently I heard from a woman who is in this exact situation. Here's what she wrote:
Question:
"Hi Mimi,
I have put together a short letter which I am planning to email to this guy in about a week's time. To me it is closure of this chapter, I have learned lessons from it, and I just want to turn the situation around as he has been blowing hot and cold with me since I told him how much I liked him.
"He only seems to want me when he can't have me, but when he knows he can have me he gets bored and ignores me. I haven't contacted him now for a few days, which will probably give him a surprise, because for the past couple of months, I have run after him.
"I would like to be strong and get my head together and get across to him that I am NOT going to run after him anymore and that I don't just sit around waiting to hear from him.
"When I first met him I was strong, smart and independent and he liked that about me, but once he told me how much he wanted me, I opened up to him about MY feelings and that was a big mistake, because then HE backed off!!
"I would be very grateful for your advice. Do you feel this would help turn the situation around? I have to be honest, I've been running after him, telling him how great and how gorgeous he is and making myself available all the time.
"I want the part of me back that is strong, independent and smart. I am so dearly hoping to get things right this time.
"Thank you, -- Carmen"
Carmen's email to her ex-boyfriend is 4 paragraphs long, and it ends with this:
"For the first time, in a long time, I am looking forward to a bright and happy future. I'm not in a rush to tie myself down again with anyone. Right now I'm still not sure who I want to be with, all I know is I want the best for myself, I'm smart, I've good judgment and I don't go out with just anyone. I'm happy as I am, and things are looking up."
Response:
Dear Carmen,
I know what you are going through! You have the best of intentions but you are still nowhere near over this guy - or else you would not care about whether he knows you have moved on.
In writing to him, you are saying loud and clear that you have not moved on; that you still have strong feelings for him, even though your words say otherwise. And you don't need to tell him that you're smart!
Remember, men don't like long emails - and 4 paragraphs counts as long. Actions speak louder than words - so the best way to show him you have moved on is to leave him completely alone.
Email should not be for this kind of communication, either - for LOTS of reasons.
It's not a good idea, in my opinion, to send an ex an "I'm doing great now" email. What would you think if you got exactly that email from someone you broke up with whom you had treated the way this guy has been treating you? It would sound a little pathetic, wouldn't it? Believe me, I am not saying that to insult you! I'm saying it so you will see how it will sound to HIM.
And please don't talk yourself into sending it for your OWN sake, for "closure." I know how that goes - women do this all the time: "I don't care what HE thinks of my email. I'm not sending it for him. I'm sending it for me - for closure." You want closure, girls? Well, that's not the way to get it!
Why? It's because, as I say in my book 'Calling Men', when he IGNORES this big effort you have put into your email with your time and your emotions - while you are telling yourself you don't care about him anymore - you WILL feel hurt, and you will regret sending that email.
It's completely unnecessary to put yourself through that.
If you want to forget a man, then leave him alone. If you want to make him start thinking about you again, then don't send him an email - instead get word to him from someone else that another guy is really interested in you!
All this time you are spending on him, you could be meeting new people who will appreciate you. After all, he did, so other men will too.
I know how hard it is when you really care about someone and it ends. But you can get past that And later on, you will see him in a completely different light - you can count on that!
Thank you for allowing us to share in your situation, "Carmen," and when this guy calls you again - which is a lot more likely to happen if you don't send that email - put him on "Relationship Rations" (TM). That means you won't see him too often. But better yet, give someone else a chance so you can get some perspective.
I hope things work out very well for Carmen!!
With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Calling Men - The Complete Guide to Calling and Emailing the Men You Date!"
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